Career Tip 010: Genuine Interest in Others, Kindness, & Vulnerability are Superpowers
Nothing in this post is a recommendation.
If you’ve read any Brene Brown, you’ll understand that vulnerability is a modern day superpower. Brene Brown is the queen of Vulnerability in the modern corporate workplace. Watch her ted talk here ASAP.
Gone are the days of “Chin up” and toxic positivity. Actually, those days were never really serving us. Instead of just being nice and smiley all the time, take some time to get to know the people around you. The best book I ever read that helped me with relationships was How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. It helps us realize that it isn’t about how you treat people, but in actually genuinely being interest in them and by cultivating a passion for having an interest in others. "Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him." Dale says. I once watched a video of a monk talking about his experience as a newcomer to a monastery. He took a journal and wrote each monks name who he would live who on a page of their own. Then he would keep notes about what he admired in them. He wrote down good qualities. He kept track of the good stuff. And when he faced adversity with them, he would go to them and ask them to give him advice on how they did “the thing he admired” that he had taken note of. This helped him turn the person he may have not gotten along with, into a teacher and a friend. I love the idea of doing this for family, work family, friends, and all sorts of community. This is a great idea for us to learn how to look for the good in people.
To me, the phrase work/life balance makes no sense. We are embodied in our work, especially if we are living in our purpose, and even if we are not, it is a major part of our life. The balance should be to enjoy it. Why live in a constant state of stress or among strangers in the workplace?
Brene offers an amazing tool in her book Dare to Lead that I would like to share here today at the end of this blog and that has helped me so much in the workplace and in my personal relationships; her value’s worksheet. It really changed the way that I communicate with people. Brene teaches that it is hard to have conversations about important things unless you know where the person you are talking to is coming from. In her book she explains a few things that helped me really process this idea. The first is a story. She kept butting heads with her CFO about things she was looking to do in the business. It felt like he was trying to limit her. But once she found out that financial stability was one of his values, she felt like crying. He was just trying to stay true to one of the two things that are his most authentic values. Also this is why she hired him! This can help us change the way we see people for the better, especially when butting heads.
The way it works is that you pick 2 values from the list below. I would also include public opinion to this list, given the affects of social media and how much of our lives if this takes up. Be honest if this is one of your values…it’s a sticky one to accept if it is but helps to see it on this list as well, because sometimes I think we unnaturally value this trait more than others. You only pick 2 because if you pick more than that they become just a list of things you appreciate. You pick 2 values. Hers were Courage and Faith. She felt guilty for not picking Family but then she realized that actually her 2 values help her show up as her most authentic self to her priorities - which are Work and Family. When I did this project I realized that mine are Growth and Love. And my priorities are Freedom, Creativity and Connection. I think over time the priorities change. The values are pretty close to your core, but of course, as I experienced profound Growth, I did actually experience my values change. And I think that is an amazing thing. I took a few days to do this. I circled the first words that popped out to me. Then I highlighted with different colors the list down until I got to 2. Some people know immediately. Take as much time as you need on this. It matters to know this about ourselves. It also helps to know this about others.
In the workplace, kindness can feel rare. So can vulnerability. But these things are superpowers. And if you are really living in your value system and in your truth, they come pretty naturally. I love the following quote because I think we do more damage to ourselves and others when we “try” to be what other people want us to be and care and prioritize things that don’t feel so natural and good for us. “It may seem that living for rapture is a selfish act reserved for the elite, or that is it a fancy phrase for hedonism. But it isn’t. Rapture is not a selfish emotion. It is pure gratitude, flowing freely through the body, heart, and soul. Gratitude for what? For breath, for colors, for music, for friendship, humor, weather, sleep, awareness. It is a willing engagement with the whole messy miracle of life. The world suffers more from unhappy, stifled people trying to do good than it does from those who are simply content within themselves.” Elizabeth Lesser
The reality is, we need to take care of ourselves, first and foremost. In mind, body, spirit and soul but also in fun and in our values and our priorities. We need to be kind to ourselves and do what we want with our lives. We need to have a daily practice of self care, and do the work to love ourselves and understand what makes us tick, so that we can bring a state of well being to our careers. This will allow us to live in purpose and to bond with our work families in a way that can provide compassion and health to the workplace. If you want to get the most out of your career, you will realize that every place you work, has a family that you can carry through life with you. These are people that will support you and help you grow and to be honest, you need them from the start. You don’t want to go into work thinking “this is temporary” even though everything is temporary about work. The reality is that the people aren’t. And life is hard. They need your kindness and you need theirs. And they will care for you and it will be because you were kind. And life will be better because you took the higher road that actually felt good - and not familiar or easy. With kindness our work has a safe space to flourish and if it doesn’t work out, at least they speak highly of you. If you meet someone and you struggle with them, ask about their values and priorities. It might help your communication more than you think. If you still can’t figure out common ground, ask them about their life. Turn them into a person. Maintain boundaries, but care. Kindness is the key.
