Money Tip 006: Money is a social energy exchange!! Love wisely!!!
Money is a Social Energy Exchange; Understanding how the money flows inside of relationships matters to your happiness, motivation, and success in life.
Every single time you spend money, you are casting a vote for the kind of world you want to live in. That includes inside of your relationships, especially the intimate ones.
The song Back to You by Benjamin Gordon says it best: “Love is everything. Love is everything because Love makes the world go round. Love is the foundation of our souls. Love is the greatest feeling that any person can have. And when love for someone or something Is, it is the greatest feeling that ever existed. That’s what love is.” But how to not lose love?! Especially over money? So many people going in and out of love and a lot of the reasons have to do with financial well being. Well, you’ve heard this before but the key is to take care of yourself before you try to help other people. You must love yourself first. We as women must learn how to be independent before we become interdependent. In order to get there, first we must understand what is appropriate to be asked of you inside of your love life and friendships, financially.
As a consumer, you are growing the companies and people that you hand money over to. Why do you choose who/what you do? Because you love them or like them a lot. It is often because they provide experiences to you that you want to repeat or hold onto. When it comes to companies and conscious consuming, please read the last blog about B Corps for why you want to support these types of companies first and foremost. By empowering companies that care about their workers and the planet, we do in fact determine the future for all of us. We set the markets and the world off in a much better direction by knowing who we are really paying and by aligning our spending with companies that have the same ethos and operate with care and consideration as our own principals.
On the other hand, engaging with intimate relationships, we also need to learn when and where it is appropriate to apply a financial social exchange and examine the other ways we trade energy in the relationships that we spend the majority of our time inside of. We must define what our true value actually is. Just what is our contribution worth as women? Is it love, time, our bodies, our future…AND our money? At what point are we supposed to start contributing with our money?
I find that there is a disconnect in our culture with relationships and money. “Money” has become a dirty word. That’s why I brave the word with my name on social media these days. Because it isn’t dirty and we need to change the energy around it. Money is a wonderful tool that we must learn to embrace versus live in fear around. It’s still a taboo to even discuss it, especially for women, and it explains why so many women find themselves overwhelmed, depressed, and manic in first world countries. First world women are not only free to work, but now find that they actually MUST work to make middle income households survive. Something has gotten lost along the years in our “right” to work. I think that this has brought a loss of feminine energy and power because working, providing, and in turn protecting our family is naturally a masculine trait. I see middle class families in a constant struggle between the sexes. I see the men thriving at 50 and the women married to those men, wanting to pull their hair out frustrated that they signed up for this way of life. These two human beings live in the same exact relationship but one is thriving while the other is just surviving. What is happening here? First of all, stop offering money to men up front without defining how else you pay up in a relationship.
The basis of Social Exchange Theory says that if the costs of the relationship are higher than the rewards, this could lead to problems. *1 Effort in this definition, when applied to marriages, of course means time plus sweat equity paired with a balanced exchange of energy. But is the balance of energy exchange in the modern marriages actually balanced? Or are women pulling more than their weight at this point in time?
I realize that how and where you place your money, can lead you to added pleasure or pain in life. It can cause you more problems OR bring you satisfaction in all directions along with financial growth. If you’re not growing, you’re dying. This is why I often ask people when we first start working together around their financial lives (which you can also write on a piece of paper to see if for yourself):
“What are you spending?
Why are you spending it there?
Where does it absolutely have to go to every day/month/year?
What do the things you invest in, return to you?
Where do you enjoy spending money?
At what point does your money start working for you?
Do you ask questions about money, read about investing, or are you a “follow the leader” type?
Is the person you hand your money over to someone you can actually trust?
If you are in a marriage or a financially joined relationship, how much do you contribute and how much does the partner contribute in proportion to earnings and net worth?
In a joined financial relationship, is the spending on your family proportionate to what you both make so that you are actually saving the same amount or even better for a woman, so that she can get caught up to their net worth if you are not worth the same amount?
And if you earn more than the man, is he pulling his weight in home and nurturing duties?
Do you both have disability insurance and do you both have life insurance?
Having confident answers to these questions and making sure that you are on the same page with your partner on all of these, can completely transform your entire life, towards significantly better and safer.
If we look at where we are spreading out our finances, we can see what a lot of our ethics and goals look like, even in our relationships. What kind of energy we generate socially matters, because what you focus on grows. Some more important questions are the following. Does your partner want you to truly be their equal and/or protected in your financial well being? Or do they want you to be less and in turn controlled by them/their money? Do they make it so you feel safe and protected or do you feel lost and out of control in the field of finances? If you are a woman, are you earning? Are you on a break? Do you know what that break is costing your retirement? Are you investing regularly? What is the pay gap between you and your partner and how do you split things? And why do you split things the way you do? Have you discussed the value of your non-paid work duties in life and the value they bring to a family? Does he even care if you are contributing financially? If you don’t feel good about talking about this, then truly consider why you are letting another person have that kind of control over you. Why do these conversations bother you, if at all? Does paying in a relationship come at the expense of your femininity? And at what point do you take back the control for yourself and start participating in fair and equal energy exchanges, having a well rounded financial literacy level and understanding of your own work ethic and goals so you can live out your life the way you really want to?
To go deeper into a different mindset around this topic which focuses more on hypergamy and femininity coaching and slight man bashing which I don’t love but which makes sense why the sexes are still at war, watch and listen to this if you’re wondering how you got to the point of feeling conned in your relationship: The 50/50 is a scam “When you are the love a man’s life, he will take care of you, he will provide.” Chloe, the YouTube sensation, is really onto something here. Men and women are not the same and we need to stop acting like we are. And you all know when a man thinks you’re a Queen, when he treats you as such and you feel empowered, or when he just wants you to be a placeholder till he finds “the one”. So pay attention to who you are loving and what it is that love is costing you. Good men exist and won’t drain you or expect you to pay equal AND do all the nurturing and nourishing of a family as well. Pay. Attention. Ladies!
Besides the 50/50 relationships many women find themselves living in, there are a few major problems at the present moment with women’s financial health. We all know about the gender pay gap. But more important is the gender investing gap. Women don’t invest as much as men. What is sad is that while women tend to invest better (more appreciation, awareness, and analysis of risk), they more often than not STILL keep their money in cash, while knowing not to. Sallie Krawcheck states that women are leaving $5T on the table, in her book Own It. WHAT? Yes. $5,000,000,000,000 USD. WTHEFINANCES?!! Do you know what this means!!?!! Do you know what $1T in the hands of women would do to our power and well being within society?? How many female owned companies could be funded with that amount of money?! How many millions of lives would improve? We MUST take control, right here and now on this matter. The investing gap is leaving major money on the table that could empower women in the markets, inside of their retirements, their daily lives, their health, exploration of earth and their minds, and better social lives. So this is the largest part of the problem and something that I can actually offer help with immediately: Start investing already, ladies. Get a financial advisor like yesterday. Sallie says that each day you don’t invest is like having a hole in your purse that costs you $100. $100 every day. “If you had a hole in your purse that cost you $100 cash every day, how long would it take to fix that purse?:” Sallie says. I’m pretty sure it would take me half a day to fix that purse. What about you?? You pay someone 20% to bring food to you from a kitchen every time you eat in a restaurant. Stop with the endless excuses. Financial wellness leads to all other wellness. It’s the key to all of the doors. Look up Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs. You can easily pay 1-2% for the most important service you will ever buy yourself.
The financial advantage men have over women is literally built into our society and economy. STILL. Yes, sadly, it is. So, until that changes, this means that they SHOULD be taking us to dinner and treating us well and pampering us with spa days and presents and valuing the work we put into just being females and running our homes on top of working. As mentioned in a Blog 001, women still make $400K less than men with the same qualifications and education over the course of their lifetimes. That pay difference, just for being female, is the equivalent of 3 meals a day for 4 people for 37 years, 2 homes, 14 cars.... So, the next time a guy tells you how much your dinner bill is, run for the hills!! I heard one woman who actually said to a man on a second or third date who was trying to split a dinner bill “If you can’t afford to take me to eat, please let me know so that I can find a man who can and will.” He laughed and said absolutely he just didn’t know the protocol. They got married two years later and he never asked her for money again. I’m not actually sure men even want women to pay for themselves when I hear stories like this. I just think it’s all gotten very confusing for everyone!
So, besides the fact that men MAKE more than us, they also earn more on their money than we do on our money because they put it to work for them instead of just having it sit there and not even battle inflation, which is 3.22% on average over the last 20 years. Yeah, yikes. The reason men are good at investing is because they hear other men talking about money starting at the age of 1, whereas women can take 23 years to have their first conversation about money, compounded interest, saving, etc.
With that knowledge, consider why you are splitting bills 50/50 or 60/40 with your husband who makes 2x as much money as you. If you are doing that, why are you doing that? You realize that by doing this, you are just padding his retirement and driving yourself up the resentment wall right? If he really loves you, he will invest in YOU. Not the other way around when you are the one unable to really have a second family in your 50s and 60s if it doesn’t actually work out. (60% odds that it won’t - sorry I’m a realist and highly number/statistic oriented.) I would even say that you need more money than he does because high chances are yours for living longer than he does. So let this be a message to stop and think. Analyze how you are functioning in your relationship. And to double down on the investing topic, PLEASE talk to an advisor about how to stop leaving your money in cash where it doesn’t at the bear minimum battle inflation. These are the two most important topics. Third, you must choose QUALITY friends. Consider friends as an investment. Because really, that is what they are. If a friendship is not returning anything or uplifting you in any way (ie. regular check ins and phone calls, introductions, invites, care, love, support of your mission and promoting you to anyone when the chance is theirs to do so even if you’re not in the room, being there when you need them in hard life moment; basically equal exchanges of consideration and attention and actually BEING your friend), I would stop investing there immediately as well. And many of you know, I have mercilessly done this and it has been a life saver. It is how I have gotten myself so far. Because I won’t hold onto dead weight in life. I have also been let go at times, and it taught me to get real with myself and what I bring to the table.
So, please pay proportionate inside of love and don’t pad any man’s retirement plan instead of your own (he probably doesn’t want you to do this but you’re offering so hey why not), reach out to people who spend all day doing this to invest your money to get average returns that not only battle inflation but earn you some % and income, and don’t have low quality friends who don’t make you better and vice versa. That’s the point of all of this. Feel free to stop reading here if you’re short for time. The following offers more insight and specifics in case you need more on these topics.
To expand, there is a very real reason married men live longer than single men and single women live longer than married women. 2 Here in weird a$$ pandemic, the energy exchange in marriage and relationships is disproportionate and the majority of women are feeling it. Now many women find themselves unhappy, worked to the max between career and family life, day dreaming about sleeping with someone/anybody else, taking a sabbatical and/or quitting their jobs. Actually over 617,000 women have quit their jobs in September in comparison to 87,000 men so far in the same month. If that isn’t a glaring fact force in your face, I don’t know is. If that doesn’t shake you out of the delusions that we are not living in an unfair balance of energy exchange with WAY more stress and now less earnings for the long term because of problems in the economy and world, nothing will. In fact, again from Own It, most women take an average of 11 years off in their career lifetime. And who can blame them?! But that can equate to over $1M in your retirement. And yet, we have to take it. We start to feel like men and that feels unnatural to us. I don’t want to always have to provide and protect my family and if I did I would consider myself single. Professional women often become highly masculinized, not just because they often are surrounded and taught by men in highly intellectual industries and fields, but because they also have to protect and provide for themselves until the find “the one”. Then they marry someone who wants them to keep providing because they did it in dating [because they thought that is what they were supposed to do and that is what the “liberation” of women taught us to do]. So, the divorce rate goes up steadily each year and we just work harder as women and try to keep it all together. Because that is what women do, we adapt and grow. But enough already. Adapt and grow, but also find a man who gets this. We need to apply analysis to the cold hard numbers of these 50/50, 60/40 and 70/30 relationships. Women really should not be asked to part take in 50/50 or even 60/40 relationships unless their husband is disabled or the woman WANTS this and comes to the table with WAY more money than the man. But even then, really? Women, please make sure the man you marry has disability insurance before you sign anything with a 50/50 or 60/40 guy. Unless you plan on emasculating and demeaning your man. Then a 50/50 or 60/40 relationship serves you right. Also, we don’t need men that are more like women. We need men to be more like men. Listen to this. “Women want real men. They want men that they can admire and look up to. .. Passive men don’t defend, protect or provide. They don’t lead. They don’t do the things we have always relied on for society to survive.” We need more men that embrace their masculinity and want women to embrace their femininity as well. We don’t need more men that are more like women. We need more men that are just good. But still masculine.
If a male wants you to be your most feminine self and even financially contribute to a household and is highly intellectual, they won’t actually ask you for money. And he certainly will not abuse you into it either. What they do is help make you successful at your own skillset without needing promises on the back end. They don’t kill your motivation. They help you find it. And you should be doing the same for them. Men can do this by not taking and draining to the point of no return from you. They should want to make it so you have “me time” to stay in your feminine energy and feel full. If women continuously invest in a partner and get little or no return back, that relationship is on the pathway to failure. All women know there is really no better way to ensure more loyalty from a woman, than to make her feel protected and provided for. But because so few men get this, we see endless mind games and a lot of control going on with money, including slacking by the men in all departments. We all know that when you give a good woman a house, she will make it into a home. Likewise, when you give her an opportunity, she creates several with a single introduction. So why don’t more men try to empower their women? Firstly, they’re getting a free ride and they don’t have to. Why would they?! The way society is set up, it’s so easy to use and purge women. Secondly, it scares them. They think they may lose her if they help her flourish. Which is sheer insanity and serving such a small percentage of the population. No American woman I know ever left a man who treated her like gold, the best man of her life, because she “made it” to the top with his help. If anything, the man is just even more in love with her and vice versa and he ends up wanting to take HER name because he is so proud of what they’ve built together with him uplifting her. And this goes for women too. How can you expect a man to protect and provide for you if you don’t lift him up? I often see in intimate relationships, men controlling women with money and women losing respect for men that they have to pay for. So many unhappy people manipulating each other – all because of money! But these are real problems that decimate love bonds, that often don’t come up for years into a relationship. These are the real tools that enable people to live out either heaven or hell in love. How nice would it be if men empowered women to hit their max potential when they had the means to do so and the women didn’t have to age themselves at the thought of having to pay for him on top of all her other responsibilities in life. Wouldn’t it be nice if everyone just left people BETTER than they found them?! Wouldn’t it be magical if men left women financially empowered and not drained after years of loyalty and women left their men encouraged, uplifted, and strengthened: feeling like they can do anything with their lives? If people acted like this…there probably wouldn’t actually be much leaving going on. Surely not 60% and increasing each year.
To be fair, it’s not all the modern man’s fault women are so stressed out. So much of the modern woman’s financial stress comes from our parent’s current financial situations. The financial literacy of our mothers now has them leaning on their daughters, especially once they are single as senior citizens. So many of my friends give their mom’s money. I think we are so driven to succeed as millennials and Gen x and y because we have lots of issues right now including taking care of our parents. Many of our parents do not have long term care. Why??! No one told them to get it in their 50s or 60s because they weren’t a part of a conversation where they could ask about their futures. But this means WE are the long term care plan for them. Which is unfair and majorly expensive. Many of these parents weren’t prepared for retirement. In fact, 48% of boomers are actually not financially prepared for retirement. *3 WTF?! Many of these boomers are women who didn’t understand or receive any financial education, who don’t have basic financial literacy, and who now need us to carry this weight. “ My husband takes/took/was supposed to take care of that.” “Your father left me nothing when he ____ .” I hear it all the time. But the problem is, he didn’t take care of “it”…at all. So this crisis falls on the younger generations to cover aging parents who were financially irresponsible and scared to talk about money and stand in their own power. So now, as women, we have to also pay for aging parents on top of padding our husbands retirement by splitting bills AND cover our children and oh yeah also ourselves? Count. Me. Out! This is affecting our ability to be the loving partners that we want to be and are supposed to be and to have our own families that we do desperately, but not too desperately, want. Something has to change. We must start thinking outside of the box and reclaiming our energy exchange, our own financial wellness and money security.
When a couple is going to be married, the best thing a couple can do is have these hard conversations early. For a low income family, I suggest that both adults figure out how to think bigger for their families and learn about ACEs and what is holding you back in life. There are so many resources for creating more wealth and stronger mindsets. Make sure you’re investing even a little each month and educate yourself on the side, even if you’re exhausted. Don’t watch TV. Read books. Read about finances. Learn about all the tools at your disposal. This is imperative to break through the glass ceiling of poverty. For a middle income family, the parents should be splitting bills proportional to income or he should be covering it and appreciating this family unit he is providing for so she can also save for retirement. If she doesn’t work, give her some power over the finances once she shows you she has financial literacy and interest. For a higher earning income family where both earn, they should agree to BOTH contribute 5-10% of their income into an irrevocable trust for their children. This includes all assets acquired together in the relationship, homes, cars, art, etc. If a man is not working, he needs to take all of his might to uplift himself into earning. Even if the woman isn’t supporting him emotionally and at this point it is likely that she will not be. Nothing else is of a concern because until he is able to provide, he will feel emasculated. And rightly so, all he needs to do is look at his wife who has been covering him and likely being a great mom at the same time and see that it’s killing her. Read The Science of Getting Rich and keep reading it until you figure out your way towards steady income and a positive attitude. Also How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie is a good continuous read. If the man is way ahead of her financially, likely in assets, savings, inheritance, investing, he will cover her until she is caught up to him. That is if he loves her and she is the love of his life. This is how that one usually works and honestly that is really the best predicament for most relationships to be honest. If a woman is ahead of him, empower him but don’t let him be a leech on your retirement. Make sure he is highly motivated if you’re going to help him build his dreams with your money, and doesn't have addiction issues. These are just a few of many scenarios that makes everyone happier and feel more secure in their love lives. I say this to empower women AND men. I know the financial and marital statistics of women over 60 and ladies: it ain’t pretty. So please pay attention and let you men know how important this is to you, and to your sex life and that it should be an ongoing, safe, and open conversation. Women’s ability to feel safe with their money is affecting everyone and all generations at this moment in time.
Relationships should empower, not drain. If the man feels drained by you, he’s either cheap or you’re not being the female he needs. If a woman feels drained, chances are the man hasn’t noticed and will not notice unless you bring it up. They will selectively care about different specific sections of your concerns so choose words wisely. Sadly, for women, there will rarely be lasting change once the relationship is set in its way. It’s hard for men to change once you’ve allowed them to live in a way that suits him so much so and prioritizes his financial security and future. This is why we see so many break ups as the answer instead of therapy sessions. They just go in circles and change is hard for most people. So setting this up from the start is key. The reality is that relationships take work, and a balance of energy exchange, and a TON of love and understanding each others desires and needs. With that, it’s important as a society that we are honest about how much of the female energy is unanalyzed, unaccounted for and not respected for the power of success in a family that it actually is. It is also underutilized because most women are drained and not ABLE to live in their true feminine power.
Time is money. Especially for women. We who have a ticking clock on our ability to create life. For women, what we actually pay out of time in relationships spent on bad guys actually costs a lot more than it costs to the guys we dated. For women in their late 30s who wants kids, dating a man who wants more than he is willing to give can be detrimental. When a person I am dating wastes 6 months of my life because they weren’t transparent from the start that they wanted me to pay household bills, split trips, cover groceries, take care of and pay for kids, help them when they start getting old and maybe sick (especially if the man is more than 10 years older than you), run a successful household, and stay beautiful and sexy…it feels like I just got robbed, which I did. Women are actually hurting in these breakups because they lost time and money. I hate to say it but for each 6 month wasted love affair, you just wasted about 50K you could have earned with all that time. 5 failed relationships is a quarter of a million dollars lost. On top of the cost of aging. Every year you get closer to 40, or actually look at it as from 25 towards the age of "not being able to bear children anymore” years old, you have to consider the cost of freezing eggs (10K), paying to keep them frozen (5K per year), how much time and money you’ve spent to make yourself to look good for partners (tons), dress well (crazy), be educated (debt) and gainfully employed yourself (at the cost of femininity and self care), drive/fly/commute to date them, networking to meet them, and so on. The biggest and worst part of all is that in all that wasted dating time (which could have been avoided with a single talk about finances) you could have made money or advanced yourself from writing a book, designing or writing a mastermind or online course, screenplays, getting certifications, participating in conferences, groups, mentorship programs, advancing your degrees, grow your own spirituality, heal past traumas, or have been actually talking to a real man who gets what’s up and would have showered you with love and presents until you agreed to marry him because he was actually the one. The reality is, these guys are a lesson you had to learn. But you’re going to keep getting the same lesson in life until YOU LEARN IT and move onto the next lesson you are here to learn. So try not to learn the same lesson too many times. This one is an expensive lesson, that takes a lot of time away from growing yourself, that you literally cannot afford to repeat too often. I know you will find someone who understands your value and I believe in destiny. But we also must take back some control and learn who it is that we are dating from the start. The most important thing is that if you do get to spend a lot of time on your own and developing yourself, you will create a life for yourself that is incredible. And it will be hard for a person to come in and make it better than you’ve made it. And so that makes it easier to know who is the right guy. Because unless they’re making it better all around, then you’re doing amazing on your own and will just keep on keeping on. That’s when you can feel like a success story whether you’re married, or rich, or have kids, or a perfect body. That’s when you know you are on the right path and love is going to play out exactly how you always dreamed it would. Because you took care of yourself first. And then don’t lower your standards for anything. Let’s rise into love. The fall is played out and doesn’t hold long term happiness at its helm.
I love men. I hope you don't think otherwise after reading this. But I don't think the the way men treat women is working for us to feel empowered to embrace our wild and wondrous female energy and harness it for absolutely divine and abundant creation and to uplift our partners every day. I also don’t think the way women treat men is keeping them devoted to us and focused on their desire for making family life happy and healthy and full of quality experiences and happiness. I think so many men are emasculated and manipulated over money. I think so many women are depressed and drained over money. I want change. I want all of us to take away one key note from this conversation: If we empower each other daily after we have spent at least 10-20 minutes a day loving ourselves, our own ideas and our finances before anything else, we can think with abundant mindsets, and we will create more of that energy. I hope for everyone that they get to experience self empowerment. When we aren’t doing life with the love of our lives, maybe our time is best focused on healing, then empowering our own way of life before we try to connect to another person. That way we can both come to the table whole and make a lot of amazing things happen with a balanced energy exchange.
If we don’t have this loving awareness and respect in our internal and love lives, many of the other relationships in our world will be strained. Let’s now discuss non sexual but equally important relationships: the classic best friendship. I WISH someone had told me this when I was 20:
FRIENDS ARE EXPENSIVE.
Friends are especially expensive if you’re in a major city and are inclined to be a real friend. Why? Parties. Lots of them.
Lots and lots of them. Ok as smart women, let’s analyze this: You’ve got 8 best friends. With that comes birthday parties, girl’s night out, girl’s lunches, and girls trips for a few years. This is before engagements start. Then you have engagement parties, bridal showers, weddings (gotta love a destination wedding: a 5k investment with no return unless you meet the love of your life), cost of the dress to be her b*tch (which you’ll never wear again because they don’t want you to look prettier than her which isn’t even possible you white wearing devils), anniversaries, baby showers, kids birthdays, animal birthdays, Kickstarters… then just wait till funerals, depression and mid-life crisis’ get tacked on. And don’t forget the therapy you will need when your best friends in bulk disappear after they get married because you’re still single and now considered a threat after you were just a slave for them for years with no payback because you’ve ended the relationship because you realize they are shitty people. Ok. That was a run on sentence but you get the point. I know I sound jaded and kind of upset about this all. Because I am.
Let’s say friends end up costing anywhere from 5K to 20K per friend. As an average let’s just say that it is 10K per friend. Now multiply that by 8 friends. That’s $80,000. Do you know what that means in investment terms. Invested wisely, $80,000 at an 8% return over 20 years doing NOTHING to that money, you can have close to $375,000. That’s a house that can provide income. That’s every meal in your entire retirement. That’s a lot of money at a pretty average return.
Now that I am a financial advisor with a high level of understanding of financial wellness, I know what massive gains I’ve lost on low quality people who weren’t ever going to be there for me. People who never returned on the investment I made on them, when I was constantly there for them. And that burns and is the key point. I should have gone to 5 less weddings and 10 less partner’s birthdays and other useless events that cost me where it didn’t really matter if I was there. I should have invested what I would have spent on that person instead of supporting someone that I kind of had an intuition wasn’t so great. (Ie. gossipy, catty, surface, unhealthy, basic chicks).
Please don’t get me wrong and go away from this blog deciding to become a loner for the rest of your life in the name of making money. Thats not the point at all and will not make anyone happy. The truth is that we all need 5-6 best friends. (Check out the podcast with Chelsea Shield’s has more info on this). Most people have 2-3 friends besties today. So most people actually need MORE friends. But not place holders. We don’t need bad or fake friends to make up for the other 2-3 that we crave and that we biologically need to evolve. We need to find REAL friends who return love back to us and make our lives EXPAND. Not contract or feel worse than when we are alone. And for social butterflies like me: I needed more quality and honestly just less. I should have chosen more wisely. I’m not beating myself up about this but I am hoping this helps someone from my errors, at least. In the last 5 years I really have changed who surrounds me. I am now surrounded by incredible and successful people who want to see me thrive and that’s the only kind of person I want around me and I’m merciless about keeping it that way now.
Write on a piece of paper the 20 people closest to you. Who is giving you an EVEN energy exchange in your sphere? Who makes you smile when you see their name. Who makes you cringe? Who is going to be there for you in the REALLY bad times like if your dad is dying and your moms family hates them and won’t be there to support you through that experience at all. This is important. Who is really going to show up for you? Anyone?? Mark those people with a check or a smiley face or a heart. Now, next, cross off the names of those who doesn’t text or call you back for days. Those who make you wonder if they love you for real. If you have friends who don’t even think to ask you how you’re doing after losing a parent because they’re planning their wedding, they’re not your friend! They’re a horrible person actually. Don’t waste any more money on them. Who talks about other people in a negative way constantly? Chances are they also talk about you when you’re not around. Is someone using you to do bad things to their partners or family? Not. Good. Lose them immediately, you are not a tool for deceit. These lists goes on and on - basically sunshine versus darkness here- choose the light. Remove the shadows, chances are they already have taught you the lesson you needed from them.
Now, FIND BETTER ENERGY EXCHANGES!! This is so important. I truly subscribe to this idea for all of our deepest relationships. “You must be unapologetically brutally, excruciatingly, discerningly conscious and ruthless about who you choose to call your friends. And then hold on for dear life and never ever let go.” Ain’t that the truth! I have no idea who said that but it’s the best.
Measure the energy exchanges between your friends does it feel equal? Are they at least balanced over the time you’ve known each other? Are you always the one calling them? Visiting them? How many of their homes have you seen and been to? How many of yours have they seen? That one is always a real tell for me. Do they call you and check in on you? Do they remember your one big day per year when you remember all 3-10 of theirs; great! Then they’re worth keeping. If not, question it! If you feel their energy exchange, it’s real. If you don’t, it’s not. Money doesn’t have to be a marker. But it is a good one. Are they asking you to do trips together to stay involved yearly, meaning active in their care and experiences and spending time with you? Are they invested in helping you meet your life partner if you’re single? Do they truly think about who they know that would be a good life match for you?
If the exchanges aren’t balanced then you have to have a conversation and ask when they plan to start to treat you the way you need. And if they say never or don’t show improvement, MOVE ALONG. If they tell you your standards are too high, just say “You know what, you’re right!” And laugh that one off all the way to loving pixies instead. Please don’t call people like that again because they’re beneath your level of engagement and affection and until they level up, they’re a waste of energy and chances are they are energy vampires. (Read Celestine Prophecy)
Take stock of people you are removing from your friend group and who is their friend group. Chances are they run with lower quality people, because that’s the vibe they frequent more often than not. It’s okay to let go. This is a good sign. This means you have elevated your own vibrations. You are vibing higher! That’s great news. Uncomfortable but wonderful. I am fine removing people from the “best friend” list because it leaves space for someone who is actually full of friend potential to fill in that space. Find someone who will have some ROI (Return on investment and this also means emotional investment.) Find people who want to have even energy exchanges and know how to love because they’ve figured out how to love themselves first and foremost and their energy is almost contagious - like yours!
This is all quite hard information, but I share it because society has you brainwashed. Lift up. Life is pure magic. You can live in heaven. Or hell. If you’re in hell, look around you and take note: “Before you diagnose yourself with depression, first make sure you aren’t surrounded by a$$holes.” I love that quote. It’s so true. Who are you surrounding yourself with? There was a study done by Harvard that Obesity is contagious. Read that study. It’s fascinating. You are who you hang with! So WHO ARE YOU HANGING WITH? You can’t do epic $hit with basic people. Time to rise, friends.
“I used to think the worst thing in the world was to be alone. But now I know it’s not. It’s to be surrounded by people who make you feel even more alone than when you’re actually alone.” Robin Williams
If someone isn’t meeting your expectations in life, find people who will. And there ARE people who will love you. There are 7.8 BILLION people on this planet. I promise 10 of them will love, adore, and help you advance your life beyond your wildest dreams and think you have something to offer them in loving return. If you feel the energy exchange is going to create true abundance, meaning more happiness and more comfort and tons of joy and quality experiences, meaning that you can hit your max potential with that person alongside you be it a business associate, lover, friend, partner; meaning you actually feel and engage with your infinite power by being with those relationships, then you are in the right relationship and on the right paths.
Secondly, learn how to enjoy being alone. Learn to enjoy your solitude over feeling loneliness. You are magic and a miracle. Learn how to be that. And if you think you aren’t that great, then work on yourself already! Life does have a time limit and there’s a TON of help out there. Yoga, meditation, self care routines, walking in nature, therapy, etc. Once you are vibrating on the right energy, once you feel for yourself that you are wonderful, people will come to find you. When you’re vibrating on a higher frequency, you will catch each other. Find souls who respect what you bring to the table, value your time and encourage you to grow and become better, newer versions of yourself. If you feel alone or bad for yourself, quickly volunteer. Get out into the world, with a mask on of course. Seeing how you do have value to love and care for others will make you grateful for what you do have, and will empower you to do and be better and happy. Try to remain in a state of gratefulness. A mindset of abundance brings more of this. A mindset of lacking does the same as well. The choice is yours! But remember that what you focus on GROWS.
I don’t think money is everything, but it is important to know where and how to spend it and when it should and should not be asked of us. I admire couples going at it alongside each other in a 50/50 and it would make sense if the business world wasn’t so male dominated, and homework wasn’t assumed to be a female responsibility, but it isn’t that way, just yet. So we must be realistic! People who tell you it doesn’t matter were likely born with a silver spoon and just don’t get it so ignore them. Take stock in your worth. And don’t date or be friends with people who aren’t trying to truly achieve greatness and who don’t get that you’re amazing and treat you as such. Doing so is only going to ruin your financial life and block you from meeting the actual soul mates. If you find that you are spinning or stalling instead of advancing your own position towards real wealth and contentment, this might be your way out and up and over to a new version of yourself. Soul mates are people that think you’re priceless, don’t keep score, and know you’re going to generate abundance for them by encouraging and empowering their expansion beyond both of your wildest beliefs. And vice versa. As individuals it is best to live with faith in our chosen paths in life and to live a life with purpose. (This is actually the basis of The Science of Getting Rich.) It is also amazing to align with others who walk this same path.
If you’re in a 50/50 and you want to talk about this with me more, you know where to find me. If you are angered by this, just know that what I am saying is much of what most women feel and think but cannot say out of fear for losing their relationships or being name called or shamed. We are in this together, let us be a source of renewal and education for each other. Together we can spin the world in the right direction, but it does take communication and a willingness to listen to the things than anger, trigger, and upset us. Let’s all use our anger as a tool. If you feel it, it’s trying to tell you something. Sit down and listen. (Continued reading for this is Radical Forgiveness and Choose Wonder over Worry.)
Find me at @melrosemoney on IG.
Nothing in this post is a recommendation.
*1 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_exchange_theory
Wikipedia “Social exchange theory is a sociological and psychological theory that studies the social behavior in the interaction of two parties that implement a cost-benefit analysis to determine risks and benefits. Also, the theory involves economic relationships, it occurs when each party have goods that the other party values. Social exchange theory suggests that these calculations occur in romantic relationships, friendships, professional relationships and ephemeral relationships as simple as exchanging words with a customer at the cash register.”
*3 https://www.aarp.org/work/retirement-planning/info-2014/boomer-retirement-little-savings-means-working.html
